Since my little course correction, many things have become clearer, mostly due to my connecting the dots and fitting more and more pieces into my puzzle. So far, the most powerful and freeing puzzle piece is the recognition that I am in charge of my own “house”—my heart. I used to think that it was the actions of other people or specific events in my life that determined my feelings: insecurity, self-doubt, lack of self-respect, low self-esteem, and eventually lack of self-love. Often, we blame our boss, coworker, partner, spouse, or unfortunate circumstances for our emotional pain and grief. As someone who came to the United States without speaking any English at all, I was very self-conscious about speaking. I felt somehow less intelligent. I seemed to have two different experiences along the way: there were people who respected and accepted my Slovakian English, but there were also people who pretended to be “polite.” Unfortunately, I paid more attention to that second group of people and allowed them to get into my head. I went from a confident person who believed in her dreams and desires (please see the previous blog), to a doubtful person who did not trust in her own skill or believe in her potential. I had given up the key to my house, my heart, to those people.
Where had I gone wrong? How had such people ended up with control over my thoughts and feelings? Eventually, I realized that I had willingly given them the key; they had not taken it from me. Today, I hold my key in a special place, and while I send my love to all, I am very selective about who I let in. I don’t let in any naysayers, any doubters of my skills, and definitely not any dream crushers. Also, I don’t allow negative news to pollute my house, especially now with news regarding the pandemic crisis. This type of news can be really overwhelming. Now, I don’t live with my head stuck in the sand—I check the news once a day to see if there is anything specific with which I can help—and then I move forward with my own plans for the day while keeping my heart/house clean. And while people, events, situations, news reports, and now a virus, can all pollute our houses/hearts, it is truly up to us what we let in. With the gift of some unexpected extra time for ourselves, now is a great opportunity for us to do some spring house cleaning. Let’s clean out all the negative influences (the “virus”) and start with a clean and fresh house/heart. After your vigorous cleaning, hold the key in your hands and decide who and what is allowed into your precious, clean house. Don’t let yourself get down and be negatively influenced by this hard time; keep it clean for those who really need you and deserve your love. I have come to realize that, the more respect I have for myself, the cleaner my house is. I remain loving, but at the same time, I maintain control of my own house: there is no place for the “virus” or “polluted air”—not in MY house!
A clean heart is a free heart.